WARNING: Reading the following rant will just be a waste of your time. Really, I just feel like letting them out without a care in the world if someone’s reading it or not. Just a way of channeling my frustration, I guess? *shrug*
Why hello again,
Do you remember that part of Jason Mraz’s song about having to know what we got, what we’re not and who we are? Lovestruck people usually won’t notice this part as they are too engrossed with the other more romantic, more heartfelt phrases. For me personally, this sentence is what turns those little gears in my head, what makes me fall into my usual deep-in-thought catatonic phase.
Why is it that these words are the ones that I cannot stop thinking about? Well, it doesn’t take long until I understand why. I don’t know about you, but for me, those words are so much easier said than done. Knowing what we got, what we’re not and who we are means to really understand ourselves and to accept it as it is. For those people who are comfortable in their own skin, it’s not a special thing to do. It comes naturally, you accept yourself, you love yourself (in a healthy way, of course.) But for me, sadly, it doesn’t come as a whole package.
I can be vain. I’ve got a HUGE ego. But sometimes, somewhere deep inside the thick layers of pride and hand-me-down confidence, I’m a terrified little girl who’s always trying to hide. She HATES to not be in her comfort-zone. She doesn’t show up often, but she’s there deep inside. And I said ‘hand-me-down confidence’ because, well, it’s something that’s not naturally mine. I only copied my elder brother in my younger years, and it stick with me up until now. Had I been born an only child, I’d be that weird dork who spend her time reading dorky stuff at the corner of the room, possibly with only 2 or 3 friends.
For people who don’t really feel comfortable with themselves, accepting is not that easy. Making peace with yourself, some people say, can be really difficult. It doesn’t necessarily mean that I hate myself , it’s not like I want to kill myself or something (oh please, cue the eye-rolling.) It means that sometimes, sometimes, I feel like how wonderful it would be if I were… more than what I am now, which is very lacking, in my opinion. It doesn’t happen every so often, but when the thought hits you, it can be as harsh as looking at yourself in the mirror, and hating what you find there.
Unlike some annoying people who say bad things about themselves just to get compliments, when I say I don’t like something about me, I’m being honest. What others say is almost irrelevant. When I look into the mirror, most of the time I can’t see the girl staring back at me as someone beautiful. Her face is so-so, something’s wrong with her hair, her teeth aren’t perfect like how they used to be, her hips are too wide, her thighs are too thick, she doesn’t have long slender legs, oh the list can never stop, really. My folks will be furious if they know that I think this way, as I might (or might not) be overreacting, and I look just fine (to them). But in my eyes I’m lacking, even when I know that saying those words mean that I’m being ungrateful of what God’s given to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that I’m a ‘perfect’ human being. Being a med-student, knowing how many defects and diseases can befall people, it’s almost impossible for you not to be grateful for a healthy body. But sometimes, that part of you just, you know, goes green with jealousy when you see people that look effortlessly beautiful in your eyes. People that can be instantaneously close with other people, active people with loads of achievements and friends all over the place.
I’d love to make peace with myself. To love myself not just because of my huge ego, but because I accept myself, satisfied with what I got, what I’m not and who I am. It seems like I still need a lot of time to learn, though.
until the next time we meet,